Back in April, the Guardian published a piece on loneliness. Apparently 83% of 18-34 year olds feel lonely. Well I’m in that particular demographic and I can attest to that. I’m an introvert and I do like my own company, being happy to go to the cinema or even out for dinner on my own, but sometimes you do just want to share experiences with other people.
Funnily enough, I sometimes wonder if social media hasn’t made it worse – there’s nothing like sitting at home scrolling through Facebook and realising the world is at a party you weren’t invited to. Of course that ignores the obvious – that there are times in your life when you’re the one at the party, and someone else is sitting at home feeling lousy!
Still, loneliness is something I think we all feel from time to time, and sometimes more keenly than others. You might be a first time mother in an area where play groups are hard to find and other mothers won’t admit you to their clique. You might have moved to a new city and struggle to make friends. Maybe you’re a writer and you spend so long in your own head you’ve forgotten how to connect with others.
Or maybe you spend a lot of time with other people, be they friends, family or colleagues, and you still feel alone.
When I originally decided to write this piece, I was feeling exceptionally low, and I wanted to explore the reasons for feeling lonely. I got dumped a couple of weeks ago, meaning all of the plans I’d had suddenly fell apart. I was faced with all of this time that I suddenly didn’t know what to do with. Sure, I’ve got research, writing and editing to be doing, but I didn’t want to stay stuck in theand that’s naturally fed into my state of mind, even though I’ve never been busier. Trouble was, in my head it became more of a self-indulgent pity party, and that’s precisely the reason why I don’t often post overly honest blog posts (plus I often think no one really cares).
So instead I’ve decided to talk about three ways you can take back your loneliness and make it work for you. I’m speaking from experience here, and this is also a culmination of the wisdom I’ve gleaned from speaking to friends about how isolated I sometimes feel. Though there’s a lot to be said for loneliness. Being around people all the time is exhausting, and sometimes you just need space to think, and do your own thing. It’s liberating.
1) Learn to appreciate your own company
Often loneliness and boredom go hand in hand. If you’re on your own but you’re busy, you don’t really notice you’re on your own. So find strategies for helping you to pass the time when you’re not around other people. Put the smartphone down and stop checking Facebook. There’s a whole wealth of interesting documentaries both on TV and online. Start a new online course through a website like Coursera. Take up a new hobby. It’s a good idea to not just appreciate your own accompany, but to actively look forward to having time to yourself. It gives you the time and space to do what you want to do!
The benefits of this are twofold. On the one hand, you have something cool to show for your time, and it gives you something interesting to talk about when you do manage to catch up with friends, or you find yourself in a conversation with someone by the photocopier at work. On the other hand, new hobbies and interests also put you in a position to spend time with new people who do the same things as you. Most importantly, you’re doing something entirely for yourself. Win!
2) Be your own boss
There’s nothing worse than making plans with other people, only to have everyone flake out and drop you at the last minute. They probably don’t mean to, but they all assume that everyone else will still go to whatever you had planned, not realising that if they all assume that, no one ends up going! True, making plans with other people gives you more motivation to actually go and do things, but if you only make plans with yourself, you don’t have to worry about other people being unreliable. That’s not to say you can’t invite other people – you totally can – but make the plans for you, so if others can’t make it, you still can, and if they can make it, it’s a bonus.
I went to Alnwick by myself in December and had a very quiet day at the Alnwick Garden. It was almost deserted and yes, it did feel lonely, but there was something very peaceful at taking the day at my pace, and having the mental breathing room to take in the beauty of where I was.
3) Loneliness doesn’t have to be permanent
Remember that life has a habit of throwing curve balls so if you’re lonely now, you don’t have to be lonely forever. If you’ve followed up suggestion 1, then hopefully any new hobbies or interests will get you out among more people. I can speak from experience here – when I lived in London, I joined two knitting groups and met some fabulous people, and now I’m single again I’m making an effort to go to more meetings from Meetup.com. I’ve found it hard, and my friends will know how anxious I get about going somewhere new to spend time with people I don’t know, but I’ve made myself do it. In between meet ups, or plans with friends, I do still feel lonely but that’s when I kick back to suggestion 1 and spend time working on projects for myself.
I’ll be honest. None of this is easy. It’s difficult to go to social gatherings on your own – you’re convinced people are either ignoring you because you’re alone, or they’ve avoiding you because you’re clearly a social leper. That’s why finding events related to your interests are so helpful – even if no one really speaks to you, you still have the event itself to occupy your attention, and there are bound to be other newbies there too, who feel equally as anxious as you!
Naturally there are safety tips to bear in mind. Let someone know where you’re going, and don’t invite strangers to your house. Meet somewhere public, and don’t give too much away about where you work or live until you feel you can trust people. It’s true that there is safety in numbers, and humans are a social species so it’s natural to want company. But if you can learn to enjoy the times between the social events, it opens up a whole new world of possibilities.
How about you? Do you feel lonely, and if you do, what do you do to combat it?
Can definitely empathise with you on this one. Since I moved to Brighton I’ve really struggled with making decent friendships. Plenty of acquaintances, hardly any decent friends.
I have signed up to Meetup.com and joined a load of groups, but never actually gone to any – maybe I should force myself.
You can talk to me any time you’re bored! 🙂
I’d definitely recommend making yourself go to one. It does help if you can tell by the comments by other members if they’re going to be new as well. I started off with a photo walk meetup because cameras are good icebreakers, and even if I didn’t talk to anyone, I could still take photos and have a nice time, and then last week’s triumph was at an art gallery where I met some lovely ladies. Friendships naturally take time but it’s good to feel you’re making an effort.
Very true. My main issue at the moment is cost, my job keeps messing my wage up, not been paid properly in months.
Once I sort that out (fingers crossed it now is, but we’ll see…) then I can start making an effort again 🙂
For me, that part about forcing yourself to do something is the hardest part. With loneliness comes a complete lack of motivation. Sometimes making a to-do list helps, but more often than not, I find myself on Sunday night looking back with regret at all the stuff I didn’t get done over the weekend, all the time I wasted just loafing around.
Another part of loneliness is comparing oneself to others. You quoted Hugh MacLeod in your post; I have another quotation from him (though I don’t know that it originated from him) that I have to say to myself almost every day: “Never compare your inside with somebody else’s outside.” Loneliness is more painful when you feel like you’re the only lonely one.
“I find myself on Sunday night looking back with regret at all the stuff I didn’t get done over the weekend, all the time I wasted just loafing around.”
Hear hear, unfortunately.
Yeah, I’m always comparing myself to other people, but posts like these prove there are hundreds of thousands of lonely people. While I said social media is a bitch for making you feel lonely, it’s also fabulous for helping you to connect with other lonely people!
“Never compare your inside with somebody else’s outside.”
Social media in general seems designed to do just that, unfortunately.
A wonderful book, “Lonely: A Memoir”, by Emily White explains the disorder, which can be as hard to bear as depression.
A balance works for me. There are times I crave alone times, and times I need to be with my tribe. So I push myself to get out, even if it’s writing on my laptop at Peet’s Coffee and Tea. Or joining a Meetup group and taking a hike. Or joining a group meditation.
Another great book: The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney.
I’ve got Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking to start reading! I’m weird, I’m a bit of an ambivert so sometimes I like going out on my own, other times I prefer to be around a handful of other people. It’s just difficult when you want to be around others and there’s no one there. But yeah, pushing yourself to get out is always a good thing!
I’ll check out those two books you mentioned 🙂