Hey hey hey, why don’t you try knocking first? No need to barge in – you might be demonic but manners cost nothing. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t care who sent you, the least you can do is be polite! Now wipe your hooves and come in.
So I suppose you want the grand tour? OK. Well just down here we have an arthritic hip – I’m on the waiting list for a new one but I’ll be in a box before that happens, so you might want to hold off on any kind of gymnastics. You might think it’ll look impressive but trust me, you’ll feel it the next day.
Over here we have the gut, which has seen better days. Apparently I’m lactose intolerant now so I’d hold off on dairy, if I were you. I’ll refrain from making jokes about diabolical smells.
If you just follow me up here to the attic, you’ll see that the eyesight is abysmal. I’ve been short sighted since I was eight and my glasses are now so thick they almost fall off when I wear them. My son wants to get me an HD TV but I’m lucky if I can see that end of the room most days, let alone high definition. I once tried to change channels with my glasses case. Oh, that doesn’t bother you? Well you might be infernal but I’d love to see you correct that problem. You could go into business and make a fortune – never mind all this laser eye surgery nonsense!
Sorry, my mind’s not what it used to be, I sometimes go off on tangents. I don’t expect that’ll be a problem for you overall but if you think you’ll be able to poke around in the memory to find something to upset people with…well…yesterday morning I went into the kitchen three times to get something and I still can’t remember what.
What else is there…hang on, I made a list. So you’ve got the hip, the eyesight, the gut, the appalling memory…and then there’s high blood pressure, and I can’t hear out of my left ear. I also suffer from chronic migraines – trust me, a month in the company of your employer is nothing compared to the pain of one of those things. Imagine someone firing a nail gun at the back of your eyes from morning til night, while keeping your head in a vice so it feels like it’s being squeezed continually. Oh I shudder to think of the last one, I couldn’t sit up for three days straight without near passing out. Ah well.
So do you still want to possess me or not?
Wait, where are you going?
this was great fun. Favourite line – “wipe your hooves and come in”
Well you have to have a clean house!
This was great. Really wanted to carry on reading for curiousity’s sake. Just couldn’t work it out until I read “possess me”.
I wanted to keep people guessing!
Heheh!! Well, that’s one way to get rid of a potentially possessive demon. 😀
It clearly works!
Poor creature….Fun story Icy and you described a migraine to a tee.
I figured they might as well serve SOME purpose.
The “wipe your hooves and come in” was my favourite line too!
Cleverly done; I’m now thinking what faults I’d list to ward off a demon….
I would definitely list migraines!
Ha! Nobody wants to move into a run-down neighborhood!
Fun piece, Icy!
Thanks!
Demons can be picky at times, but I must admit, that was a poor sale. Intentionally so? Deals look better from the bottom.
Fun tale, Icy!
Thanks!
“Nope, can’t possibly make anything worse here. I’m off.” Loved it!
Weirdly enough it was inspired by The Conjuring.
Ha! Brilliant!
*bows*
LOL very clever piece Icy. ^_^
I like to mix things up a bit!
And the moral I take from the story is “Don’t f*** with old ladies — they’ve already lived it and it takes way more than what you have to scare them.”
If the demon doesn’t want to hang out, I’d love to have tea with her.
I’m sure she’d be free for a hot beverage!
I guess that’s one argument against possession. Good fun, Icy.
I like to think I’d make a similar defence.
Reverse psychology the weapon of great defense everywhere. Go ahead and give them what they want, that’ll show em.
Exactly!
What a great idea, Icy! Uproarious fun! Perfect image you found, too. I’m thinking the other side’s not gonna want to live in her either, if it’s true what’s said about the body being the temple of the holy spirit, that is!
Maybe that’s the key to immortality!!
Ha, yes! But no small feat to maintain just the right balance of undesirability!