In recent years, the streets of our fair city have been a battleground in the ongoing fight between Captain Astounding and Icy Von Doom. Last week we ran a feature detailing a Day in the Life of a Henchman after Von Doom granted us access to one of her newest employees, hired following a recent recruitment drive. In the interests of equality, today we hand over the reins of our Opinion Piece column to Captain Astounding, to let our favourite hero have his say about the growing influence of the Von Doom Corporation.
Dear Citizens,
I have battled evil in this city for a little over a decade, fulfilling my sworn duty to fight the good fight on behalf of the decent people who make this place their home. I work tirelessly to combat the malice and mayhem caused by Icy Von Doom, and I will not rest until she has left this city for good. Unlike Von Doom, I do not rely on an army of henchmen, minions and disposable assistants to run my operation. I work solo, confident in my own abilities, and both capable and willing to lay my life on the line for the greater good.
I have read her lies propagated throughout the media, and I read the recent “Day in the Life of” piece with alarm. How easy would it be for the unemployed of this city to fall for the allure of a job, even one with so high a risk, and for such a morally dubious character? To the jobless, or out of luck, please, resist the temptation. Yes, she promises a good salary, a respectable holiday allowance, and career progression. Yes, she offers a range of employment opportunities, tailored to the skills of the individual. But she also offers an early and often painful death, or serious injury. Do you think she will continue to support you as an employer when her hydra tears off your arm, leaving you unable to work?
Can you really look into your soul and tell yourself that you have no qualms about working for the woman responsible for the Great Komodo Dragon Invasion of ’09, a terrifying period that saw the deaths of 12,438 people? Need I remind you of the Siren Song Contest, sponsored by the Von Doom Corporation, which saw 813 men leap to their deaths from the City Bridge? Surely you all remember the Army of Furies she unleashed upon the city last year? Parts of the city have never recovered, and it breaks my heart to see the damage caused at the centre of our community.
Icy Von Doom claims that she stands against big business, and that she seeks to further the research goals of technology and science through her Corporation. Yet her Corporation has become big business, pulling in millions through research funds. How can we guarantee that her scientific or technological advances will not be used to bring the entire city under her control, turning us all into mindless minions? I for one will not allow that to happen.
Yet I cannot do this alone. I need to know that you, the hard-working and fair-minded citizens of our metropolis, will not fall, buckle or sway, will not believe the lies and hype, and will not turn themselves over to Icy Von Doom, the greatest threat to our population since cholera.
Stand with me, and good will prevail.
Always your servant,
Captain Astounding
the dark side of any Manichean struggle are always ineffably more appealing & interesting & imaginative than the good side. Sorry Astounding, but I’m enlisting for Von Doom
marc nash
I’m with you Captain!
What an arrogant blowhard. I suppose he’s okay with auto makers, tobacco companies, and other corporations that kill their customers and employees *slowly*.
Hey, does Von Doom have any openings in IT?
If she promises to create jobs, I’m all for her. Don’t stand in the way of the successful entrepreneur, Captain Astounding! That kind of commie timidity has no place in a free and prosperous society!
Vive la Doom!
Wait, did I just say that?
“Icy Von Doom, the greatest threat to our population since cholera.” *snort*
I love this piece Icy. It’s too much fun. I hope we get to see more from Icy and Captain.
Oh Jeez, I’m so indecisive…
(Fumbles in pocket for coin to flip)
I’m going to to place myself on the side of Von Doom. Who hasn’t caused a Komodo Dragon invasion or two. Give her a chance.
BTW, the comments are even reading like a news site…awesome!
Is it just me or does Captain Astounding sound suspiciously like a legacy publisher railing against self-published e-books?
Seems the good captain is doomed. Poor man.
I’m with Tony. The captain needs to show me jobs if he’s going to sway me.
I wondered where those Furies ended up: they went awol from my Mythical Creatures Employment Exchange a while ago!
I’m not taking sides just yet; think I’ll see how this plays out first.
Haha, this almost less of a serial and more of a self-referential battle. Like your blog is becoming a posting board for evil and justice. Very funny, Icy.
Seems like Captain will have to hire some good PR, because at the moment he seems to be clutching at straws…
Captain Astounding, allow me to introduce you to Captain Hammer, because you’re both corporate tools. 8D
Yay for Captain Astounding! but a bigger WOO HOO for Icy Von Doom.
This has been a really cool series of flashes and taking the superhero/supervillain combat to new levels of awesomeness.
Adam B @revhappiness
Von Doom sounds like more fun – I hope she got my letter ^__^
Very funny icy enjoyed it.
This guy is a pretentious git. Give me an honest super villain employer any day!
Love how the war moves to the op-ed column!
Marc – Plus, Astounding sounds like a bit of a tool.
Peter – But he’s so NICE!
Katherine – Von Doom ALWAYS have openings.
Tony – Hahahaha!
Cathy – Yep 🙂
Danni – Not sure how much longer I can keep it going, but we’ll see!
Steve – Ha, I’d have thought you would have chosen Von Doom!
Michael – Wouldn’t you just love to see a B-movie of the invasion though?
Tim – Hahaha maybe.
Sonia – He’s trying, bless him.
Aidan – Yep, Astounding doesn’t offer much.
Wayne – Yeah, they showed up and asked me if I’d take them on on a freelance basis.
John – I should probably stop before I give myself away, eh?
Craig – He’s a bit desperate, isn’the?
Raven – Hahahahaha!
Adam – Let’s see where I can take it next.
Helen – She did, she’s busy reviewing it!
FAR – That’s what I was going for!
The Great Komodo Dragon Invasion of ’09? Ha ha! I love that line.
I think the real winner here is the publisher of the paper. This exchange has to be creating a lot of buzz!